Many of us find it hard to know what to say to someone close, who’s loved one has died.

And many people who have been bereaved notice how some friends and family avoid them after they have experienced the death of someone significant.

Talking about death, dying and loss seems to be something of a taboo and, whilst we are no doubt getting better at it, as a nation it does not come easily for us.

When we encounter people who are bereaved we  typically imagine that they are feeling sad and lonely now their loved one is no longer in their life. But this is often just the tip of the iceburg.

Many people anticipate feeling sad after someone dies but those who have been bereaved can be surprised to find themselves overwhelmed by a number of other feelings including relief – that their caring responsibilities have ended, guilt – wondering if they did enough or showed enough care for the person when they were alive. And they may feel angry at times. Angry with doctors and nurses, angry with god, or frustrated with people who “sweat the small stuff” when something so significant has happened in their own life.

What might be less obvious to others is that those who have been bereaved are often faced with a huge number of practical challenges. After arranging a funeral and tackling the will, they are often taking on additional tasks they didn’t do previously – cooking, washing, gardening, managing the bills, taking out the bins – often feeling incompetent and on a steep learning curve.

At the same time as tackling new things practically, many people who are grieving experience a kind of “brain fog”. Their capacity to remember significant dates or appointments or even the conversation they had 5 minutes ago is seriously compromised.

The physical impact of loss can come as a surprise too. Many people who have been bereaved experience changes in their sleeping and eating patterns. And energy levels can be severely compromised for some and others might find themselves feeling ‘manic’, unable to stop or settle, driven by an impulse to keep going.

And bereavement is often accompanied by a big existential questions “What if life all about?” “What is my purpose now?” “Why has my God abandoned me?” which can leave people feeling adrift and vulnerable.

So next time you see someone who is grieving, take a moment to recognise all that they are experiencing and take the time to enquire how they really are. Your concern will help minimise their feelings of isolation. They might feel able to share a small portion of the grief they are carrying with someone else, lightening the load a little and they navigate their journey forward.

With thanks to West Kent Mind counsellor, Fiona Pope